Almost
by jmtothemusic
Summary: Impulsivity and being sure of what you want are two distinct traits: And, at this point, Sasuke practices neither


**NOTES: CONTAINS MATURE THEMES, BUT NOT IN DETAIL (IT'S NOT M). Oneshot.**

**The repetition is a literary device I'm using (like an english teacher;); I did not just forget what I previously wrote! :) **

**I honestly had trouble writing this. This is an idea I've had for a while, and I hope I get across that Sasuke is really not concerned about what you think he is, but something more important. I'm open to questions and criticism, and any review. :) (**Heres a hint: there are 4 issues here.)

* * *

"Naruto, it's so annoying how you can be so robotic about what you want!" She shouted, though with five years of hearing the same high-pitched sounds, familiarity was present as Naruto let out his low bellowing laughter.

Sasuke had become accustomed to being with his two teammates- loud, considerate, maskless. They could walk beside one another, never really pronunciating their care for the other, but never attempting to hide any of the trouble these feelings caused themselves.

And, Sasuke couldn't help but feel a little bit bitter.

* * *

It must've taken loads of ignorance for him to not understand the innuendos: The tongue, the nip to his neck, the "I want your body" speech that must've been written and practiced overnight, since it sounded _the same_ every time he said the repetitive monologue.

But, then again, through all the encouragement by his _dear brother_ to use his anger as a compass for success, perhaps he just ended up blinding himself.

"...Are you even listening to me, Sasuke-kun?"

"Yes."

_..._

_Is this all there is..?_

Then again, maybe it was Itachi's goal. The more distracted, the more impulsive Sasuke surely would never consider that just maybe, his brother loved hi-

"So take the stance, and charge at me like I'm Itachi."

And he did. Really, all Sasuke's life was, was a contraction between obedience and rebellion. His obedience to his family, his obedience to the village, his rebellion to Otogakure, his obedience to Orochimaru, his rebellion from Orochimaru, and as he grew, his obedience and rebellion from Akatsuki. And if it weren't for his maliciously sharp Sharingan, he'd have to admit that he was, in fact, blind.

The battle tactic was a clever one: And Sasuke's genius employed the tactic perfectly, drawing his katana and charging it with his Chidori at the last second, until the blade neared his teacher's throat.

That is,_ until the blade neared his teacher's throat._

"Why did you stop, Sasuke-kun? You've left yourself completely open to a clone's attack from behind." Orochimaru's voice was slippery, friendly, and if Sasuke were not only 12 years old, he'd describe it as flirtatious.

"I think that's relatively clear", he articulated, glancing at the close proximity between the blade and his teacher's windpipe. Orochimaru simply chuckled, and reached down to place the blade back into its sheath.

"Sasuke," he began with a grin, looking down on his student tenderly, "you are afraid to kill. You are too childish in your will not to destroy your bonds, and this ignorance will be the end of you in battle."

Sasuke almost opened his mouth to protest, remind his teacher of how he left his entire village behind, and almost killed his best friend.

Then he realized; _almost_.

Sasuke retracted a bit, knowing that while he could act very stoic on the outside, his insides would be churning until they poked a hole his facade. He silently wondered how one could completely rid themselves of the love they have for the world.

The way his teacher's eyes glinted as he hungrily stared down at him made Sasuke nauseous: He felt that, perhaps, he should press the sword further into the snake's throat, resenting the way he watched him under his microscope like a tool that he might buy.

A picture of Kakashi's bored face flashed through his nostalgic mind, and he made an effort to swallow some bile that rose in his throat.

"Then," He carefully chose his next words, hyperaware of the way he was being studied, "what do you suggest I do?"

It had been more of a statement, a small challenge to the criticism that his teacher had given him, than a question. And although referring to the sword which was slowly, carefully, becoming closer to the flesh well within its proximity, Orochimaru had some different ideas.

"You cannot question your motives. You must be completely sure of what is needed to be done, what you truly desire to do. The only way to succeed at this is to rid yourself of this ridiculous virtue you feel for those around you." Orochimaru, really, had sounded sure.

If only Sasuke had stopped to think, then dammit, he would have realized that he himself was not as certain.

"Then," Sasuke questioned, "essentially, I am to be a robot?"

Orochimaru grinned, his eyes twinkling with amusement at his -while genius- absolutely _adorable_ student.

"How does one go about doing this?" Sasuke continued, expecting some kind of explanation, a lesson that would teach him to lose his indecisiveness.

But, as Orochimaru grabbed his fragile wrists, dragging him head first through the halls to his master bedroom, a lump forming in his student's throat, he realized that perhaps, his issue was not his hesitance, but his impulsivity; his obsessive need for success.

...However, there is a distinct difference between _realization_ and actual _understanding_: And Sasuke never quite recovered.

Only later did he realize that the nightly slamming of his face into the deceptively clean sheets was not a lesson, but a demonstration.

* * *

Side by side, Naruto and Sakura chatted while Sasuke trailed slightly behind, still sporting his impassive mask that had taken years of hardship to try to make a crack in, but never once had he been brave enough to allow anyone a glimpse at the face beneath.

And, even after all these years, Sakura still would throw a glance at him over her shoulder, flirtatiously smiling at him while Naruto desperately struggled for her eyes. And Sasuke shook his head slightly, amazed that even with all of his training, he still could not feel the deep sincerity that they felt for one another.

Because, well, maybe he wasn't such a great student after all.

They made their way into the small bar that, with age, the three had become used to being shoved into, encouraged by their teachers to enjoy the simple indulgences of life that were only suitable for those over 21.

Sasuke could never quite decide what to request.

It was something he cherished since the day Itachi died.

Upon entering, the loud roar of socialization hit the trio's ears, a forceful greeting came from across the room, from one of their regulars: Tsunade, with her drinking buddy Jiraya. She waved them over, a tick mark already molding on her forehead from Jiraya's confident voice that floated around the building with his excitement never wavering.

"He's flirting with younger women again." Tsunade growled under her breath, and Sakura shared a moment with her teacher consisting of irritability and exposure.

Sasuke had always admired that about the Hokage; her ability to just _punch_ because she _knew_ that Jiraya was being a pervert, and she was _sure _of her desire for his attention.

What he didn't like, was her student: Always slogging Naruto because of her random urges to hit him, her desire for the jumpsuit-clad boy's attention when his good friend was not around, and yet her abandonment of him the moment Sasuke entered the room.

But, the moments between the four before Sasuke turned to face Jiraya would be the most cherished of the night.

"I know, I know! But you're so beautiful, I'm suprised that you haven't done it yet!"

"Oh, well you flatter me, sir." She responded, a shiver running down Sasuke's spine as he realized she possessed an obligation to be polite, given that she was tending the bar, and Jiraya was paying for drinks.

"Aw, sweetheart, I don't flatter. I'm just being honest with you! You're so youthful, and if you're already 34 years old, then I'm shocked you haven't lost it!"

Sasuke gritted his teeth when Tsunade didn't punch the man straight in the jaw.

And Jiraya leaned into the woman, and said beneath his breath, "I'm always around to take it for 'ya, if you need to get rid of it." He added a wink at the end for extra measure, trying to be seductive despite being an estimated twice her age.

Before the woman could move to say a word, Sasuke was upon them, seething about a foot away from Jiraya's face with his blood red sharingan activated despite himself.

"You're disgusting."

Jiraya's attention shifted, and his joyous expression faded into a more confused than angered one. "Excuse me, Sasuke?"

"I said," He began again, his eyebrows knitting together as he shut his eyes, trying to safely contain himself like he'd done for the past 9 years, "that you are disgusting. Do you need it articulated?"

Jiraya sent a confused glance over to Tsunade, who returned it with a shade of curiosity as her attention focused on the angered young man before her.

"Sasuke," Naruto interjected uncomfortably, "I think you need to relax-"

"Relax and what, Naruto?! Hide how pissed I am?"

"Is that something Orochimaru taught you?" Jiraya said with annoyance and sarcasm, his cheek leaning on his knuckles with his drink in his alternate hand.

It was the loudest of silences as tension drew electricity between the adult and confused child, the room becoming alert of the two standing at the bar.

"No," Sasuke finally responded, his voice losing its control as it began to shake involuntarily, a shard of his mask chipping to the wood he stood upon, "No, it's not. It's something I accidentally taught myself."

In those few beats, Sasuke realized that, even with his intense training with Orochimaru, he hadn't really learned the lesson of expression the way that Orochimaru had demonstrated, the way that the entire room demonstrated as their eyes locked on his shaken figure.

"What, how to conceal all of your emotions inside? Tch. You didn't learn that on your own. I know that man better than that." Jiraya knowingly turned back to his alcohol and sipped it as though the encounter had been concluded.

Sasuke almost gave up, almost slid behind his mask again to shield himself from the painful anger he felt boiling in his stomach; just like the nine-year old whose parents were killed, the nine-year old who was told by big brother that he was going to seek vengeance. Just like the 12-year-old, who was told to spread his legs, who was told to be sure of how he felt and stop _hesitating_ to just do what he knows is right. The 16-year-old who misunderstood his teacher's demonstration, the one who stopped both feeling and hesitating to think, the 16-year-old who ignored his instinct upon spotting his brother, to run: That maybe, those instincts are not his weakness, but part of his subconscious realization that his brother is in the right mind. The 17-year-old who lost his mind, the one who decided that anger was an easier emotion to feel than sorrow, that he would finally make a decision. The 18 through 21-year-old who realized that decision-making is often a form of impulsivity, which has distinct differences from actually knowing what you want.

...The 21-year-old that realizes he hates himself.

He_ almost_ gave up. He turned to leave with his mask, but felt the intensity of the eyes around him holding so much confusion as they focused on him. His features softened, becoming a helpless child once again.

(It was times like these that reminded him of the fight with Itachi, the way that his sightless eyes looked so sure as he poked Sasuke in the forehead, how suddenly he'd felt naked all over again when his brother fell to the floor.)

He tried to remove the facade like a stain, suddenly.

"Orochimaru was a better teacher then you'll ever be." He felt himself turning to stare a saddened stare for the first time in years. Jiraya's eyes narrowed when Sasuke strided out the door, promptly slamming it in his wake.

* * *

When Sakura and Naruto showed up at his doorstep the next morning, Sasuke carefully watched them as they lightheartedly argued with one another, Naruto's face displaying his complete passion and confidence in his dreams and crush on Sakura, while she allowed her bipolarity to slide into and out of her tone of voice. Sasuke had become accustomed to the high-pitched noises that often tumbled from her slender throat as Naruto would bellow his husky laughter in giant heaves.

"Come in." He said, opening the door when they approached before they could even knock. The two glanced at one another before Sakura muttered a polite thank you and Naruto punched Sasuke in the arm.

The three sat civilly at Sasuke's dining room table, Naruto shifting and often babbling to decrease the discomfort in the room. Times like these, when the eyes were focused on him so surely of how their owner felt reminded him of his fight with Itachi, how he poked him in the forehead before falling, and the way he suddenly felt naked all over again.

He gave up.

"Are you a virgin?" He blurted, though his voice betrayed his hastiness and sounded almost flat to his ears. Despite this, Naruto almost choked on his tea and Sakura's face went beat red.

"Wh-why?!" Naruto gagged out between fits of hacking on the 'leaf water', as he called it.

"Answer the question. Either of you." Sasuke demanded, and in Naruto's embarrassment, he strained himself to continue coughing in order to force the question to be directed at Sakura. Her face darkened a shade.

"W-well, not that it matters, but...yes." Her voice shrunk in humiliation, her crush now knowing she had been 'saving it for him', as she clearly had opportunities to waste it away with Lee, or Naruto; two wonderful boys, yes, but neither of which she had shown any interest in.

Sasuke couldn't help it. The right side of his lip quarked up just a bit. "And you?"

Naruto ceased his gagging, deciding to just be honest with the two people he cherished the most; "Yeah..."

The way he pronounced his response, with regret and almost resentment, made Sasuke's approval falter, reminding himself of the time he informed Orochimaru that _no_, he did not have the Mangekyou, that _yes, _ he had hesitated to kill his friend.

_That he had feelings._

"Naruto," His eyes became downcast, his strong will to speak stretching beyond his ordinary comfort zones, "virginity is not some disease that should be readily cured. I took it as a weakness that was in the way of becoming stronger. I suspended my feelings and never gave myself the time to think about what I really want, and Itachi is dead as a result."

He paused for a moment, thinking carefully about what he wanted to convey to his teammates.

"That woman last night; I admire her. She learned the lesson Orochimaru tried to teach me without a demonstration."

His company could not fathom what he was trying to express to them, no matter how much trouble they went through trying. They shared a glance of knitted eyebrows and unsurity.

He led them to the door, and shut it just as Naruto was about to return the discomforting question. Sasuke waited until they were out of earshot to lean on the door, and slide onto the marble ground with his head in his hands, the way that he sat after his first session with Orochimaru.

The way he sat after his last session with Itachi.

While he observed their chakra signatures moving away, he felt the steady flow fluctuate with unpredictable bursts of emotion almost effortlessly.

And, Sasuke couldn't help but feel a bit bitter.

* * *

End.

I will likely go back and edit this fic again (and again) to get it perfect, so any advice you wish to give I am open to. :)

(leave a review please! I'm open to any questions!)


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